R.I.P. Evelyn Carolina Dubon

February 8th 2012 5:40 PM i got a call that ripped me to pieces. i couldn't believe it. i didnt want to believe it. My father called me saying she was gone i hung up and quickly called my mom and she hung up as well and rushed to the hospital i went upstairs to tell my aunt lourdes and blanca the heart breaking news.. they left to the hospital as well. i stayed because i didn't want to believe it i felt as she went to sleep and they were over reacting.. but slowly it was hitting me that she actually passed. i told my sister and it crushed her i told her its okay that shes finally in peace and not suffering..... i went to my room and didnt leave till saturday night .. my sheets are soaked from tears, they smell like tears. i tried killing myself but the string wasnt strong enough to hang me.. i was raised to not show sad emotions to people so i continued to cry alone.. i spoke to no1 i didnt speak to anyone until sunday morning when i went to the mass and then the funeral which made me feel worse.. everyone said the usual stuff.. "hey how are you? im sorry for your loss, how are you dealing with it, you'll be okay"... only 3 people at the funeral actually helped me feel a bit better that was my former teacher Mrs. Lopez, her daughter and my good friend Melanie... my own family couldnt help me, i broke down and cried in a corner.. Saying goodbye was difficult.. i went home and cried even more... i cried myself to sleep and woke up late so i had to rush to go to the final mass for her.. i was happy i got to help carry the casket i didnt cry at the mass or carrying the casket but i lost it when the started the lowering the casket into the ground and it sounds cheesy but i wanted someone to hug me and say its okay kevin.. ill always miss her, ill possibly never recover, ill try suicide once or twice but i wont do it because thats not what she would want, if she saw me like how i am now she would say "kevin quit being such a pussy and stop crying" lol she always knew how to make me laugh she had a direct line to my funny bone but thats gone.. now when i think of her ill just cry my eyes out just as im doing now... i love you carol and im sorry that i didnt see you when u passed and im sorry that i never got to say how much i love you and cherish you i love you prima.. you are the greatest

THERE IS NO GOD

I JUST FOUND OUT MY COUSIN IS IN HER FINAL MOMENTS... SHE FOUGHT CANCER FOR A LONG TIME AND IT SEEMS AS SHE LOST.. IM CRYING AS I TYPE.. GOD IS NOT REAL HE DOENST EXIST BECAUSE IF HE DID HE WOULD NOT DO THIS BUT THERE IS NO GOD.. SHE DIDNT DESERVE THIS SUFFERING... I TOLD MYSELF THAT IF SHE DOES  PASS THEN IM GOING WITH HER.....................................................

BANG....................im dead

the past 2 weeks sleep has been difficult.. every night i have a specific dream and its always the same thing i shoot myself in the face and i live and do it again and again and its feeling more realistic... i took some pills to calm down so i sort of relapsed.. its not helping its making it worse because im in a bigger sleep and im afraid.... i think my dreams is telling me that im not supposed to be here anymore, like i never felt the same when i overdosed and flatlined and the doctors brought me back i felt as if i dont belong anymore maybe im crazy idk but im scared that im going through the same road as before...
BANG BANG

Kevin's dead

end of the year

end of the year.. been a crazy year hell of a ride, went through cool shit, awesome shit, bad shit, depressing shit, just all kinds of shits.. hehe shit hehe :) but one thing is for sure that it went by to fucking quick, i apologize for the cursing i was watching Jay and Silent Bob strike back.... lost a lot of people, through death and just stupidity i lost my hero, my inspiration Steve Jobs, one of my favorite wrestlers Macho man randy savage and the beautiful Ms Amy Winehouse... i also lost friends but only one meant the most i called her a needy bitch and she said i was fake -__- whatever but in the sadness i had awesomeness im a straight A student for the first time ever in life, i realized im indestructible, i ran over my hand, took a hook to the knee, hung myself, overdosed, candled waxed in the stomach, swallowed a battery and every time i recovered and came back stronger im like a fucking terminator... also i stopped being quite and started telling people whats on my mind, bad things happened but good things happened too. also i gotten more closer with my awesome friend Ereni which is great cuz the two of us are a lot alike...... also i made a big decision i was planning on leaving Ny and moving away for good to lovely Idaho but im staying put  but i do still plan on going there to live in the future...i managed to keep my partnership program with YouTube and Google this year even tho i made no videos but 2012 will be my comeback and hopefully i wont get flagged and have my account suspended again.... the worst thing about this year is my cousin struggle with her fight with cancer she's been fighting for almost two years but it now seems that its winning :( its hard to bottle up these sad feelings, i dont want it to come out, everyone else in my family shows sadness around her but my father and i dont, we make her laugh and make her forget all about it but its tough... i saw her thursday and she was in the hospital and i wanted to cry seeing her with a oxygen mask and the look of suffering in her eyes but i bottled it up and stay strong for her.. i know that she wont live through this (i was told by her parents) but i wont think of that ill think of her contagious laugh and awesome personality... shes like Zeus to me......... but i dont wanna end this with a sad note so ill end it with this 2011 we had good time... kept the friends that means the world to me except one ( Roselene), im sober, still in school and im finally ready to find my lucky lady.... also my dick grew like half a inch :) yay lol have a safe last day of 2011

Christmas

hello bloggity type people merry Christmas eve my name is kevin anddddddddddddd its that time of year again :) every year on the 24th the family throws a giant ass party and its a blast.. the "grown ups" party and dance and the "kids" stay downstairs and chill and i do something dangerous or crazy... this year its different normally the party is at my house on the 3rd floor but today its my cousins house so i gotta travel :( but its all good.. as long as i get to watch a christmas story thats my all time fav christmas movie.. but hopefully nothing goes wrong but im off to the party Happy and safe holidays Pce...
PS type in Let it snow on google main page :)

Confession/s

lets start with a big one... im a recovering addict i was highly addicted to pills mainly painkillers i took them because it made bottling my emotions easier and i felt happy about it but then it affected my sleeping so i took sleeping pills to help fall asleep. but my pill addiction only went bad on a few occasions, i accidently overdosed by taking 4 sleeping pills because i thought one pill meant one hour each, i took a bottle of vicoden when my ex Shenelle dumped me that was a suicide attempt, i did it again but this time my friends Melanie , nellie, and heidy talked me out of it..... i was clean for almost 8 months then something happened idk what and i relapsed and i relapsed on a special day too it happened to be my friend Maria's baby shower and i went to the shower high off painkillers and also had a beer and i dont remember much of that night except i woke up on my bedroom floor and i had a lot of missed calls and voicemails saying "where are you" "stephany's parents are looking for you to take you home" apparently i was going home with them i have no recollection of that but it killed me it ate my soul that i did this i felt horrible.. so i made a noose and try to hang myself luckily the pipe where the rope was tied wasnt strong enough and broke i had a nasty bruise on my neck for a month... i went cold turkey again and relapsed again in may because it was the anniversary of the breakup lol silly i know fuck you... i missed my great friend Ereni babyshower actually i dont think she had it because she gave birth i missed the dinner and her birthday party. the dinner i missed because i had completely forgot and im sorry Ereni, and the birthday party i was at the hospital so sorry again :( i also haven't seen her little bundle of joy or Maria's and i feel like shit :( i took pills to try and forget that i messed up and theres no excuse for my stupidness and i apologize i honestly feel like i dont deserve great friends like them i love my spic crew.. they are my second family even tho i had sexual thoughts about them lol yes even julian hes a hot piece of ass and im comfortable with my sexuality to say it (im straight) but i love them dearly i would take a bullet to the kneecaps for them... its also why i made a video for them its because i love them and miss them dearly... but ummmmm oh right my addiction lol ive been straightedge for about 6 months no drugs or alcohol.. i still bottle my feelings mostly my anger but im working on it maybe these blogs will help.. i just hope because i feel like im on the verge of slipping or doing something to someone..... or myself but thats enought for tonight.. goodnight

1st blog

hello bloggity type people today is december 20th and this is my first time blogging and oh what an experience this will be. 
First i would like to say is Happy first day of Hanukkah no im not a Jew but i love this holiday and Jew's are pretty sweet :) 
i literally don't know what to write but here we go... my name is Kevin im a 20 year old kid from brooklyn i live with my parents and sister i go to college i attend College of Staten Island i was planning on attending NYU but i was rejected but thats whatever i gave it a shot.. i carry a 3.7 GPA i have great friends and great family i love orange juice and im a huge nerd lol :) i also love crossing the line on sensitive topics, i thrive on controversy since i was a youngling i loved crossing the line for example when i was 12 i went to my teacher Sister alice ( went to catholic school) and i said "Fuck Jesus" lol the shock made her faint and she hit her head heard and was concussed.. i got a easy punishment Detention for the school year my parents whupped my ass so i got off easy.. i was a catholic until about the age of 16 i just stopped believing but i dont judge others for believing in it but i just think god is a fairy tale for adults and a way to manipulate kids in being afraid thats someone is always watching them -_- when i have kids it'll be my wife's choice for when they are younger but as they get older its up to them..idk what else to say lol ill think of something else but for now my name is kevin and this is good bye 


PS its going to be a crazy ride here.... i have a lot to say and a lot to get off my chest ;) stay tuned