Monday, February 13, 2012
February 8th 2012 5:40 PM i got a call that ripped me to pieces. i couldn't believe it. i didnt want to believe it. My father called me saying she was gone i hung up and quickly called my mom and she hung up as well and rushed to the hospital i went upstairs to tell my aunt lourdes and blanca the heart breaking news.. they left to the hospital as well. i stayed because i didn't want to believe it i felt as she went to sleep and they were over reacting.. but slowly it was hitting me that she actually passed. i told my sister and it crushed her i told her its okay that shes finally in peace and not suffering..... i went to my room and didnt leave till saturday night .. my sheets are soaked from tears, they smell like tears. i tried killing myself but the string wasnt strong enough to hang me.. i was raised to not show sad emotions to people so i continued to cry alone.. i spoke to no1 i didnt speak to anyone until sunday morning when i went to the mass and then the funeral which made me feel worse.. everyone said the usual stuff.. "hey how are you? im sorry for your loss, how are you dealing with it, you'll be okay"... only 3 people at the funeral actually helped me feel a bit better that was my former teacher Mrs. Lopez, her daughter and my good friend Melanie... my own family couldnt help me, i broke down and cried in a corner.. Saying goodbye was difficult.. i went home and cried even more... i cried myself to sleep and woke up late so i had to rush to go to the final mass for her.. i was happy i got to help carry the casket i didnt cry at the mass or carrying the casket but i lost it when the started the lowering the casket into the ground and it sounds cheesy but i wanted someone to hug me and say its okay kevin.. ill always miss her, ill possibly never recover, ill try suicide once or twice but i wont do it because thats not what she would want, if she saw me like how i am now she would say "kevin quit being such a pussy and stop crying" lol she always knew how to make me laugh she had a direct line to my funny bone but thats gone.. now when i think of her ill just cry my eyes out just as im doing now... i love you carol and im sorry that i didnt see you when u passed and im sorry that i never got to say how much i love you and cherish you i love you prima.. you are the greatest
Sunday, February 5, 2012
I JUST FOUND OUT MY COUSIN IS IN HER FINAL MOMENTS... SHE FOUGHT CANCER FOR A LONG TIME AND IT SEEMS AS SHE LOST.. IM CRYING AS I TYPE.. GOD IS NOT REAL HE DOENST EXIST BECAUSE IF HE DID HE WOULD NOT DO THIS BUT THERE IS NO GOD.. SHE DIDNT DESERVE THIS SUFFERING... I TOLD MYSELF THAT IF SHE DOES PASS THEN IM GOING WITH HER.....................................................
Thursday, January 12, 2012
the past 2 weeks sleep has been difficult.. every night i have a specific dream and its always the same thing i shoot myself in the face and i live and do it again and again and its feeling more realistic... i took some pills to calm down so i sort of relapsed.. its not helping its making it worse because im in a bigger sleep and im afraid.... i think my dreams is telling me that im not supposed to be here anymore, like i never felt the same when i overdosed and flatlined and the doctors brought me back i felt as if i dont belong anymore maybe im crazy idk but im scared that im going through the same road as before...