Tuesday, December 20, 2011


lets start with a big one... im a recovering addict i was highly addicted to pills mainly painkillers i took them because it made bottling my emotions easier and i felt happy about it but then it affected my sleeping so i took sleeping pills to help fall asleep. but my pill addiction only went bad on a few occasions, i accidently overdosed by taking 4 sleeping pills because i thought one pill meant one hour each, i took a bottle of vicoden when my ex Shenelle dumped me that was a suicide attempt, i did it again but this time my friends Melanie , nellie, and heidy talked me out of it..... i was clean for almost 8 months then something happened idk what and i relapsed and i relapsed on a special day too it happened to be my friend Maria's baby shower and i went to the shower high off painkillers and also had a beer and i dont remember much of that night except i woke up on my bedroom floor and i had a lot of missed calls and voicemails saying "where are you" "stephany's parents are looking for you to take you home" apparently i was going home with them i have no recollection of that but it killed me it ate my soul that i did this i felt horrible.. so i made a noose and try to hang myself luckily the pipe where the rope was tied wasnt strong enough and broke i had a nasty bruise on my neck for a month... i went cold turkey again and relapsed again in may because it was the anniversary of the breakup lol silly i know fuck you... i missed my great friend Ereni babyshower actually i dont think she had it because she gave birth i missed the dinner and her birthday party. the dinner i missed because i had completely forgot and im sorry Ereni, and the birthday party i was at the hospital so sorry again :( i also haven't seen her little bundle of joy or Maria's and i feel like shit :( i took pills to try and forget that i messed up and theres no excuse for my stupidness and i apologize i honestly feel like i dont deserve great friends like them i love my spic crew.. they are my second family even tho i had sexual thoughts about them lol yes even julian hes a hot piece of ass and im comfortable with my sexuality to say it (im straight) but i love them dearly i would take a bullet to the kneecaps for them... its also why i made a video for them its because i love them and miss them dearly... but ummmmm oh right my addiction lol ive been straightedge for about 6 months no drugs or alcohol.. i still bottle my feelings mostly my anger but im working on it maybe these blogs will help.. i just hope because i feel like im on the verge of slipping or doing something to someone..... or myself but thats enought for tonight.. goodnight

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